Poetry shows another facet of Jewel

From USA Today, June 2, 1998
Transcribed by Mike Connell


Jewel says she has grown ''bored with music.''

Bored?

This is a woman who spent most of her 24
years scraping, suffering and struggling to make
it as a musician - growing up in the wilderness of
Homer, Alaska; living out of a car; singing in
local coffee houses and bars; getting turned
down by hospitals when she needed treatment
for a chronic kidney problem but didn't have
insurance.

And then she hit big just three years ago with
the album Pieces of You, which has sold more
than 6 million copies. ''I exceeded every goal I
ever had,'' she says. ''It's like a Datsun pickup
winning the Indy 500.''

But for Jewel Kilcher, the fame and the money -
even the achievement - are not what's most
important, she says. 

That's how the boredom set in. ''You know how
it is,'' she says. ''You need a new challenge. I had been touring a long
time. I was good at doing live shows and creatively was being very
atrophied.''

So she went through ''the chicken scratch'' in her journals - 15 or so of
them from the past eight years - and pulled together a book of poetry.
 
The collection of 109 poems is called a night without armor
(HarperCollins, $15), and she will give poetry readings for the next few
weeks. 

''If you want the most honest glimpse of me,'' she says, ''look at my
poetry. I don't exist unless I'm writing. I don't understand daylight or
lovers or the world. I need it to deal with hardships in my life. There
isn't a day that I can really go without it. Through it, I come to know
myself.''

Others may try mind-expanding drugs or they may party wildly, but that
has never appealed to Jewel, she says.

''There's a lot of darkness I battle in my own mind. If I were to do
drugs or alcohol, it would sink me. I've never been a partier. The idea
of distracting myself with a party and losing a year didn't seem attractive
to me. . . . I've tortured myself mentally - it doesn't feel good.''

Is she saying she has contemplated suicide?

''Everybody does. There was a time when I was 18 when I was saying
'OK,' . . . but I also had this realization that I didn't want to give up and,
damn it, I would figure it out.''

She doesn't want you to think she's to be revered for that.
 
''I don't think I've gone through anything other people haven't gone
through. My feelings are not that original. My expression of them makes
them unique. We all have lust, loneliness and insecurity.''

Not all of us use poetry to understand our lives, however.

''It taught me to be human,'' says Jewel, who after high school
graduated from an art school in Michigan. ''I'd read a lot of
philosophers. I learned to reason . . . but they didn't teach me how to
relate or understand love.''

A lot of the poems are love-related. She won't say that they are about
particular men, only that there are ''little cryptic notes'' that only they
might get. 

One of her best friends is Flea (Michael Balzary) of the Red Hot Chili
Peppers. Other than that, she had a French-Canadian model for a
boyfriend for a while and she dated Sean Penn. She's ''in between
relationships right now.'' 

Asked what she looks for in a man, she says, ''To tell you honestly, I
feel like men come to me.''

Men like Jean-Claude Van Damme, with whom the tabloids had her
linked? 

She laughs. ''God, I've never even met him! My fans are like, 'Please
say that's not true!' '' And she says it's not. 

''I spent a lot of my life alone, which isn't sad to me. I move emotionally
a lot. I outgrow things quickly. I'm more committed to my growth than
to staying with friends.''

Her mother is her best friend. ''She has always been my twin,'' says
Jewel. Her parents divorced when she was 8; she went with her mom.
''She has encouraged me to be my highest and never stall my growth to
fit in.''

Where that growth might lead, say, in 10 years, she has no idea.
''Wherever God places me.''

Married with children? 

''I'm still too young to think about that. Men have wanted to marry me
and it's just not for me. I'm sure it will be one day.''

She's still dealing with fame.

''I see why it destroys a lot of people. I have incredible people around
me who know my goals spiritually. I also knew why I got into music -
to help people. I've never had to compromise my integrity. I've never
worried about being cool or hip. It's allowed me to remain sane.''

But what about looking the part, dressing the part, to be cool or hip? 

''I've always looked at magazines; they make me anxious. As a kid and
to this day, everybody's so beautiful and perfect. It made me feel like
there's an insurmountable gap between them and me. Now that I'm in
them and people are commenting on me, it's very ironic. I think the
images and standards we have of beauty are unrealistic. I think the idea
that a woman feels flattered when she's complimented on her beauty is
archaic.''

So she doesn't worry about her weight?

''Of course I do!'' she says. ''I don't know a girl that doesn't. I'm
committed to trying to be healthy. You go through premenstrual
munchies and feel bloated as heck and go in front of a camera, and
people are cruel. I'm committed to being in front of people and not
being perfect.''

She continues, ''It always encouraged me to see Meryl Streep or Bette
Midler or Isabella Rossellini, people besides Kate Moss, who are
beautiful, to give me some hope. It's so hard to love ourselves. I know
so many young women who don't know their worth. I don't want to
look back and feel embarrassed knowing I've squandered the
opportunity of living on being self-absorbed.''

She also says it's premature to look back and call her one of the
Women in Rock, the phrase that became so popular during last
summer's Lilith Fair concert tour. 

''I feel like a pup,'' she says. ''I feel like Janis Joplin and Joni Mitchell
and Ella Fitzgerald were the real deals. I still have to prove myself.''
 
She adds, ''It's not like we suddenly began to exist when Lilith started.
It's been kind of a catch phrase. Personally I don't like being a 'Woman
in Rock.' I'm a brain, I'm a mind. I'm a person. I'm a poet.''

And to fans who worry that her boredom remark means she's no longer
a musician, don't worry. 

''My love of music doesn't change,'' she says. ''I love the immediacy of
music and its ability to affect people. I'll be doing another record as
soon as I'm done with the film.''

The film is Ride With the Devil, directed by Ang Lee and filming
through July. She's also writing - prose - for another book. And she's
forming a charity. ''I care deeply for people. I'm inspired by people like
Martin Luther King who knew you could not fight the enemy by
despair.

''Helping people is such a trite little summary. In my own life, I've felt
deeply many things, intense loneliness, intense worries for survival, and
there's people that go through worse daily. It's not OK for me to just
be breathing. It's not OK for me just to get by.

''I want to do with my life what is worthwhile. I think in the end,
kindness matters. People understanding their own beauty and divinity
matters. Whatever career I'm in, it has to be toward those goals.''

By Ann Oldenburg, USA TODAY